D-DAY

'Twas the night before the deadline. And nothing was stirring. Nothing that was of significance to me, anyway. The damned graph with its red spots sat smugly still. Dangerous red in lieu of the blue that I had grown to love and, maybe, take for granted. But red it was. My heart was pumping away furiously. My brain had shut shop with a 'closed until further notice' sign. My eyes stared at the screen while my fingers typed qwepoiqwepoiqwepoiqwepoiqwepoiqwepoiqwepoi.. though nothing would show for all my typing [because it was readonly, if you must know]. It was calming and more importantly, or perhaps the reason why, it was something to do.

My mind started dredging up those uncomfortable thoughts that I had carefully put away...

What I had written in a "I want to be a..' essay in school. And whether the reason why I wasnt doing what I had written about was a good one. And a 'good' reason would not be "because it is sensible". Even though it could be one of them.
About the 25-25-50 [spend-donate-save] divsion I had planned to do with each salary.
About being nicer.
Doing more things.
About visiting places. Not just see them coutesy Discovery Travel and Living.
About people at work. And how much more complicated colleagues seem as compared to friends. Or maybe the difference is just trust.
How much easier it is to like someone when you dont know too much about them. Also how hard it is to hate someone when you really, really know them.
What motivates people to do some things. Which is the weakest justification? Security? No but whats wrong with that. Security means safety. No, it doesnt. Safety is required. Security isnt. Security is a luxury - but not sinful to strive for either.

All that talk about teamwork during training. Bah, humbug. Its just you and what you've done. But the difference between an exam and work is that with an exam, its only you who get affected. But work, if I dont do it properly not only do I get screwed which is ok if i deserve it but the team gets affected. And thats too much pressure. I try not to think about it but that makes it worse. It is teamwork with its perks filtered out.

About salary. Why I'm working 12 hours with no overtime when my niece who dropped out of college gets more money at a call center. Why are we all just accepting the low salary. Why am I?

How, or if, doing what I want fits into it all. About why the knowledge of what I want, really want still eludes me. Or maybe its there and Im refusing to acknowlede it.
About sharing a sunrise with.. How beautiul sunrises can be. Tantalizingly promising.

How beautiul this sunrise is!
'Twas the day of the deadline. And the graph[see first para if you dont remember and are one of those who needs to know every reference[ If you did actually see the first para, no offense intended, but..why? Also, thanks and hope it was worth it.] ] was not stirring. Nothing . The damned graph with its red spots sat smugly still. Dangerous red in lieu of the blue I loved. Red it was!

I stopped panicking... they were not paying me enough to warrant it.